Almost 1 month ago a vagina was born to a 42 year old virgin living in New York City.
I’ve been having 2 issues over the past few weeks. First, the suture that connects the left side of my vagina to my left leg had come undone a bit, got slightly infected and was leaking more than the Dakota pipeline.
Second, I’ve been giving birth to these little sacks of “healing tissue” which is actually healthy and expected. However, one of the little alien sacks was still attached somewhere on my insides and wouldn’t come out. So whenever I’d pee or dilate, this little alien sack would come out and check out the world between my legs and then just kind of drunkenly hang out wherever it wanted. I permitted myself a slight amount of self-disgust with my situation and then called Sigourney Weaver….I mean my doctor’s office to walk me through how to remove it over the phone.
Yesterday It was time again to roll over to my Doc’s place. The pit-crew tuned me up pretty quickly…snipped out the remaining alien pieces, cleaned out my infected wounds, injected me with some fluorescent green stuff, slapped me on the ass and got me back into the game.
I also leveled up in my daily dilation. Went from Purple to Blue….next stop is Green and in about 6-8 months I get to the final size….Orange! Today I took the blue one like a champ and feel a bit like my pimp should give me a raise. All in all tho, graduating from purple to blue is about as meaningful as graduating from the 8th grade but you still get cake.
Turns out vaginas don’t actually like to have anything in them and they’re kind of like an exodus portal for all the things your body doesn’t want anymore. Got something gross and disgusting somewhere inside you? Don’t worry, you’ll see it pass right out of you and through your vagina. Just yesterday my vagina excreted 2 half-dollar coins along with an expired metro-card that got caught up and tangled in a bit of discharge on my pad.
Hats off to all ladies everywhere….including myself….I’m sorry I never knew…I just didn’t understand…ALL men have zero inkling…just how sensitive and fragile the vaginal environment truly is and how much effort is required for up-keep.
Please turn to your woman and thank her. Thank her for all the vaginal upkeep she does, for balancing her pussy’s PH, for warding off nasty infections on a regular basis, for handling and dealing with the sometimes horrible smells and the disgusting gunk, to keeping it clean and healthy and devoid of the invisible evils left behind by pecker tracks. Most women are one dick away from never wanting another one near them. So say thank you, be kind and if she’s going through a particularly rough period (no pun intended) you’d better be patient, stop waving that thing in her face and go become best friends with the broom cupboard for a little while.
Merry Christmas to everyone….hopefully you’ll get something less disgusting in your stocking 😃
I know there’s a lot of shit going on in the world right now and that everyone is more broke than our political system and the number of people in actual need is through the roof. Never the less, if you could find a few nickels and rub them together for me and my vagina this Christmas, I’ll be forever grateful and will also send you some of my groovy art!