The Coastal States Of America

When you’re getting high, the last thing you want to think about is how you’re going to get arrested by the same little elf that’s on the package of cookies you’re mowing down.

As divided a nation as we are right now, I’m pretty sure most of us can agree that marijuana isn’t the silent killer and gateway drug that all the schizophrenic parents in the 60’s thought it was going to be….but it might be the straw that breaks America’s back.

The topic of legal cannabis has more legitimate proof backing it up than climate change….but for some reason, there’s always some group out there with deeply engrained interests in maintaining the status quo bullshit.  So when a vast majority of the people want legal weed but the one asshole in charge just decides out of thin air, “nope, not only is it not legal any more, but I’m going to lock you up for even looking at it.”

It’s like when the family goes out to dinner and everyone wants In-N-Out burger but dad is driving and just takes everyone to the McDonald’s drive through…so that’s what you get…a happy meal, not a double-double animal style. And you didn’t even get to play in the bouncy castle….stupid drive throughs…keeping Americans from walking again.

If all the states were actual people, California would be one of the cool, rebellious kids that was always living on the edge but also getting in trouble for it. Eventually the cool kid either buckles to the principles pressure and stops all their chinnanagins or they end up saying, “fuck you, I’m gonna go off on my own and do whatever I please….and I’m taking all my friends with me.”

I’m (im)patiently and eagerly waiting for the day that California, Colorado, Oregon, Washington, New York…and all the rest of em…just say, “yeah, we’re bad and we’re blue…and we get high…and we support education and healthcare…and…ohh…and we produce over 50% of the entire nation’s produce…and 90% of the biggest companies in the nation are within our borders and you know what….go fuck yourself Rest-Of-Nation.”

Everyone thought it was going to be an earthquake that displaced California from the Rest-Of-Nation…but if I were to guess….it will end up being a joint, not a fault-line that brings this great divide to a heady head.

Just imagine….giving middle-‘merica what they really want, to be left alone to do as they please and be free from scrutiny from both left and right coasts about their backwards and neolithic behavior. DONE. As a matter of fact…they can even keep the fucking name, The United States of ‘Merica…..we’ll take “The Coastal States of America”…neither will be a lie…both will make sense and both will, for the most part, maintain a peaceful majority in their respective lands.

Oh you wanna be a fucking racist? That’s nice…you should move to Kentucky.

Straight as an arrow but hate your gay son? Easy, send him to boarding school in California and stay right where you are in Texas.

Still think that snow-storm is proof that Trump is right about Climate Change? Keep boasting about it loudly and stay right where you are in West Virginia and double down on your long-term oil contracts.

Wanna get high? Feel good about life? Access healthcare? Get an education that goes back further than 2000 years ago? And much much more!! Well then…you should move to The Coastal States Of America!!

Look…if we don’t do this soon these little fucking elves are going to multiply, put us all in jail and paint the town white and straight. If you want to stand up and be bold and take matters into your own hands….then join the movement and join The Coastal States of America! A land where we all live together and celebrate the fact that it “Takes All Types” except for the assholes who only “want one type”…they can go fuck themselves and stay right where they are in Middle ‘Merica…aka…The United States of Old America.

Sign this petition if you agree! Share this petition if you’re high. Smoke this petition if you’re Jeff ‘Keebler’ Sessions.


keebler elf

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