I have good news and bad news….the bad news first.
In early February a few flags were thrown when my doctor told me it shouldn’t be taking hours to dilate and shouldn’t be ultra painful every time. Later that week I got into his office to get examined and find out why I was having such a hard time dilating.
Dr. Ting looked up from my vertical smile and said, “You’ve got a Skin Bridge growing across your lower labia that is making the ‘angle of approach’ very complicated. It also scrapes all the lubricant off the bottom of the dilator which is probably causing a lot of the pain”.
“Ahhh….a skin bridge you say”?
“That’s right” he quipped.
“It’s probably also the reason why you’ve been having issues urinating”.
I’d been complaining that every time I’d pee, a bit of it would pool up in the front of my vagina and when I’d stand it would pour out. I’ve never had a vagina before….but I was pretty sure that didn’t fall under ‘Normal Function’ and I was hoping it was covered in the warranty.
“Miss Lang, don’t worry, we’ll take care of this with a revision”.
“Ahhh….a revision you say”?
“Yes. A revision.” he said bluntly.
“We give you a local anesthetic and slice your lower labia open”.
“Yeah. You’re going to be in a lot of pain for a few weeks but this will make dilating a lot easier and much less painful…in the future that is”.
Secretly I was thinking that I would do anything to make dilating easier and less painful. The painful dilation sessions were starting to wear on me….every day…multiple times a day. The skin bridge made it so difficult to get the dilator in all the way. Besides the ultra tight fit, I could never really be sure of which direction to push it in…every inch was like playing blindfolded bumper cars in the streets of Kolkata.
The growing masochism was like asking to be whipped voluntarily…but you knew you had to do it for the greater good. I wondered how long it took for the Catholics to get good at this.
The doctor’s voice slapped me back into the stirrups.
“We can take you in…4 months”.
My inner monologue screamed obscenities and my vagina whimpered in the corner.
I went away dejected but also in a very strange way, felt relieved that they knew what was going on and could fix it. But 4 months? FML. I was going to have to extend the lease on my chastity belt for another half a year.
I was also nervous about my finances, I was bone dry and my dilation schedule made it next to impossible to hold an actual job right now, especially with my complications and I was going to have to slog…literally slog through another 4 fucking months?!?!
Those large, friendly letters relaxed my mood and got me thinking….make your own job…figure your own shit out…take inventory…go go go!
So I started teaching classes on the stuff I was really good at…making potent cannabis oils and chocolates….and making organic face & eye creams. Selling tix to these classes along with selling my own little products has been keeping my head slightly above water and also keeping my sanity mostly whole. Get in touch if your skin is dry or if you just wanna get high 🙂
In the month since the skin bridge came to light, my relationship with my dilation routine had deteriorated so much that we were like a married couple who hated each other. I would dread dilating and procrastinate like a kid that didn’t want to go to bed. I’d make shit up to do just so I could put it off a bit longer. As a matter of fact…I’m procrastinating as I write this. And then when I’d finally get down to business….my dilator would prove all my anxiety right.
I was getting depressed. Not like Winter depression that is eventually thawed by the Spring, but deep-seeded, “I can’t continue like this” type depression. I emailed my doctor out of desperation and spelled out my situation. I figured why not? It’s not like he’s going to know what I’m going through unless I tell him.
I was chewing my fingernails like a whore in church while I was waiting for his response.
“Miss Lang, Elsa will call you tomorrow to book an earlier revision appointment”.
And the last lottery number was mine all mine!! YES! I poured a celebration shot for me and my vagina and we celebrated with a shortened dilation session.
I go in next Wednesday morning, March 21st to get my revision. Wish me luck!!!
Tentative date for the Dancing Vagina Recovery Party is sometime in May/June.
SIDE SIDE NOTE:
For everyone who contributed to my fundraiser, thanks you again! I have all your address’ and will be sending groovy art in the coming months…I’m not sure when….i’m sorry it’s taken so long….my spirits have been a bit tied up. Feeling much better now tho! 😃
SUPER SIDE NOTE:
Happy 3.14 month anniversary to my vagina! Pie celebrated with pie on the π day! wow